Much speculation has surrounded the potential theme of Dan Brown’s follow up to his controversial blockbuster, The Da Vinci Code. We can reveal that the sequel will make even further controversial claims about Christ and the Catholic Church.
The book will claim that the Church covered up evidence that Christ was not crucified for claiming to be King of the Jews, but in fact crucified for kicking Pontius Pilate up the arse and then calling his wife a ‘fat dyke’.
The main focus of the book will be on how the church killed eight billion people and some cute rabbits in an attempt to hide the secrets of the personal diaries of Jesus Christ. The book will mention several diary entries from a teenage Jesus, including one where he wonders when Mary Magdalene will finally ‘drop the act and get her tits out’.
There will also be mention of several diary entries where Jesus recalls the painful memory of some boys in school giving him a ‘wedgie’ and everyone in the class seeing the ’skidmarks’ on his underpants.
Brown’s book will claim that the diaries are guarded by a secret organisation called The Wu Tang Clan, who keep the sacred documents hidden, by rolling them up into a tight scroll and shoving them up their ‘black asses’.
As if all that wasn’t enough to upset the Church, the book will also feature a chapter where a stark naked Pope is running around the Vatican with a rocket launcher trying to frag a nun after she requests that sanitary towel dispensers be placed in the Vatican toilets.
Brown’s publishers have asked that the Church condemn the book nice and early to ensure good advance sales.